MUSIC




Dr. Sadistic & The Silverking Crybabies!





MAROON BALLS

The saga continues with the picturesque "Maroon Bells" as the backdrop.  This time, we've hung our swollen golf balls from the peaks as Dr. Sado prepares to... TEE OFF!

* * * *

CRYBABY'S THEME

Dr. Sadistic is summoned to Aspen to infiltrate the rebel-rabble-rousers (say that fast three times) of Silverking.  The good doctor auditions for lead-singer of the Crybabies.  His "party hearse", a virtual pharmacy on wheels, seals the deal.

I'm Dr. Sadistic . . . and we are the Crybabies

It's time for your shot now, of music that's hot now
If you don't cooperate, I'm afraid we'll have to operate
Strangest case I've seen, we'll have to splice your genes
With some weird rock n' roll, for your tortured soul

I'M DR. SADISTIC AND WE ARE THE CRYBABIES


SPACE KITTEN

A candy-coated, All-Day Sucker tiptoes out of the mist.  When Barbie Ellen makes an entrance, heads turn, hearts twitter, hormones bulge.  

Teenage Innocence, Pollyanna Purity --  Right traits, Wrong town.

She’s sweet and fluffy, like a little stuffed doggy
A body that’s firm and a mind that’s groggy
She’s a vast composite from teen magazines
She’s thee perfect product of my adolescent dreams

She does things to me that I can’t do to myself, she's my...
Space Kitten, from out of the mist -- Space Kitten, tight as a fist


 


GAY MOUNTAIN MAN

It was Harry Overbight who had summoned Dr. Sado (pronounced "say-dough", and lots of it! ) to Aspen, with a top-secret mission to include experimental lobotomy procedures.

Tonight he gives the doctor a tour of the nightclubs, and introduces him to the new mountain-man lifestyle.

I’ve got lots of young boyfriends to keep me amused
There are no drugs or vices I haven’t totally abused
Got a marvelous lawyer out on the coast.
He got "sodomy" reduced to "following too close"!   I’m a...

Gay Mountain Man, I get it where I can
I ride the Hershey Highway through this fairyland, I’m a...
Gay Mountain Man




THE "PLEASE GO BACK TO NEW JERSEY" POLKA

Big meeting in the hillside mansion.  The Red Mountain Homeowners have one issue on the agenda:  the obnoxious locals who clutter their scene.  Harry, along with their special guest, Dr. Sado, lead them in song, accordians wailing, beer mugs banging, lederhosen bunching...

We can't stand you "cutting line" on the lift at Little Nell
And making fun of our Day-Glo Bogner Suits
With your runny nose and dirty beards, and the funky way you smell
You truly are disgusting, little brutes

Why don't you join the army, then you could go to war
What you really are deserving, is a job at a K-Mart store

So won't you please (oh, won't you please)... Go Back To New Jersey!




THE LOWER-HALF OF YOUR LOVE

Jerome returns to Aspen to assist the doctor.  He's semi-rehabilitated, but tonight, dancing at the Rockin' Horse with Barbie Ellen, he's possessed by deep, primal, Fender Bass-insticts.  Slips a few rungs down that evolutionary ladder.

Barbie could never give him all her love, she says.  Jerome says... half will be just fine.

I can feel your brain waves snappin’, I can hear your knuckles crackin’
A burnin’ love, baby, I ain’t lyin’, I can smell somethin’ fryin’

You tell me you’ve been getting stacks of "get-well cards"
From all of Doctor Sado’s staff
You tell me you’re a victim of schizophrenic love
Well, all I really need is half.   I want the...

Lower Half of Your Love, for the better part of the night
The Lower Half of Your Love, the upper half ain’t workin’ right



 


ALL MEN ARE BEASTS

The bars close.  Harry and the Doctor go to his place, with Jerome and Barbie in tow.  How did she end up with these guys?

Has Barbie given up on men?  All the good ones are taken, or so they say.  But come on... Are there really ANY GOOD ONES?

Why put faith in my dreams?   Why should I waste a good night's sleep?
Though I search every night, just to find Mister Right,
I always end up with a creep

All Men Are Beasts!  No sensitivity for my creativity
There's one thing on their minds, they're horny all the time
All gals agree -- and most emphatically! -- All Men Are Beasts





DEAD WEIGHT IN THE HOT TUB

And what do the guys think?  Well, Barbie's just no fun at all.

Let her stew in the hot tub.  Yes, literally.

I’ve had Cher and Jill and Claudine and Chapstick Suzie
In my overflowing, Olympic-size Jacuzzi
Can’t you see... you must give in to my every whim
‘Cause when you come to Harry’s house, it’s either sink or swim

And you’re just... Dead Weight In The Hot Tub
You’ll never make it in this town (if you are...)
Dead Weight In The Hot Tub, and it looks like you’re goin' down





LET'S EAT THE CAT

The Crybabies are out of food stamps.  No gigs in sight.  There are twelve people -- and six house pets -- sharing their little condo.  Babies howling, stomachs growling.  What to do for Thanksgiving dinner?

We’re a little hungry, we’ve picked the garbage clean
We’ve boiled down all our sweatsocks, we’re feelin' kinda mean
There’s no more Kennel Ration, we’re putting on our bibs
We’re not afraid of fur balls, so let’s eat Mr. Pibbs!

Let’s Eat The Cat, he’s so juicy and fat
I kinda like 'em like that, so... Let’s Eat The Cat!




TITS AS BIG AS TEXAS

Country music is suddenly fashionable.  In order to score a gig, the Crybabies change their name to "Tex Saperstein and his All-Circumsized Wranglers".

They practice saying things like "howdy, pard, damn tootin'", but their attempt at calling a Line Dance results in total chaos.

It was one more sweaty Saturday night, down at Chisholm's Saloon
Me and the boys were pickin' and grinnin', for all the redneck goons
We were a little sleepy, you could hear the drummer snore
But the tempo started rushin', the minute she walked in that door

'Cause she had Tits As Big As Texas!  Panhandles on her sides
Lord, I wanna drill her oil well, and cross her Great Divide


EST-HOLES ON PARADE

Removing the "uncouth" from the repulsive youth is a cinch for the Doctor.  A minor tweak of the frontal lobe, and they're eager to sign up for the "Erhard Seminar Training" workshops.

It's a "human potential movement"!  No, it's a "group awareness training program"!  Wait!  It's all that and more!  Personal transformation, enhanced power... Oh God, yes!  I surrender!

He made us understand what assholes we are
We "got it", and you can, too
Now we're marching through the streets, and beating down your doors
To share our space with you!   OHHH, we're...

EST Holes on Parade, we're the chosen ones who've made the grade
See our auras light up, watch our hang-ups fade
We're EST Holes on Parade


The Doctor & The Crybabies relaxing in the pool at Silverking

* * * *

The back cover of Maroon Balls also contains disclaimers:

"Warning:  Repeated Listening can cause
vomiting, paranoia, and unsightly rash"

"Not For The Easily Nauseated"


* * * *

And on the lyric-sheet inside, there's a ticket... with dangling chad.

This Ticket Stub Redeemable For One FREE Pelvic Exam!
"Don't Worry, I'm A Doctor."

* * * *

And finally, a heartfelt plea, a genuine cry for help.

We're sorry for everything... we can't help ourselves...
we were raised good Buddists... what went wrong?  
We know we need help... someone please stop us
before we strike again... and again...

* * * *

All songs by Saylor/Sadowsky      copyright - Sadistic Sandwich Records